If you haven't been online today and you're wondering why the wailing of heartbroken teenage girls is piercing the air, allow us to be the first to inform you:
Zayn Malik has quit One Direction.
If you were standing and reading that on some sort of mobile device, we hope you didn't incur any sort of major head wound when you collapsed. If you did, please have it treated immediately.
As with the Kennedy assassination or the return of BK's Chicken Fries, all of us will remember where we were when we first heard the news.
As the minutes turn into hours, it becomes more and more clear that Zayn's decision is final and there's nothing for the members of the human race to do, but band together, support one another, and laugh at the millions of 1D fans currently freaking the f--k out on Twitter:
The End.
Up Next: "Zayn Malik Quits One Direction: The Funniest Web Reactions."
We'll be redirecting you shortly...
You might be thinking didn't Zayn already quit the One Direction tour last week? Haven't rumors of a One Direction breakup been circulating for years? Wasn't the news somewhat expected?
The answer to all those questions is "yes," but if you think that matters, you clearly never tried to rationalize with an wound-up teenage girl.
It's very possible that you don't know "Story of My Life" from "Night Changes," and you couldn't give two stylish ponytails about Zayn leaving the band.
If that's the case, then we implore you to keep those feelings to yourself if you share a household with any women between the ages of 11 and 16.
You'll thank us when you're not having your skull cracked open by a fireplace poker. Be careful out there.