This Sunday, Hollywood will gather at the Dolby Theater in Los Angeles to perform the impressive feat of kissing its own ass without suffering some sort of severe spinal injury.
Yes, it's Academy Awards time - the one magical night on which millions of Americans tune in to find out if that one movie they actually saw will win anything.
This year, the Oscar snubs got more headlines than the nominees, so you may not even know who's up for what.
Well, don't worry - we've pored over the full list of 2015 Academy Award nominees so that you don't have to, and now you can fleece your friends at this year's Oscar party with our list of *iron-clad, 100% guaranteed predictions:
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(*Note: Predictions are not actually iron-clad or guaranteed, and in most states, gambling is illegal, mmmkay?)
So you didn't see Birdman or Boyhood, eh?
Well, we can't combine the two front-runners into one perfect film about 12 years in the life of a pubescent superhero (Birdhood? Boyman?), but we can save you time by telling you that Boyhood is the current favorite to take home the night's top prize for a number of reasons:
- In an awe-inspiring feat of forethought that rivals becoming a pre-med major, Boyhood was filmed intermittently over a period of twelve years! No mainstream American film has done anything quite like it. (Google the "7-Up series" for the Brit equivalent.)
- Birdman (the other front-runner) is a groundbreaking film in its own right, and it's all about actors! (The Academy loves that!) However, it also has comedic elements and an ambiguous ending. (The Academy hates that!)
- The anonymous Academy voter who shared her ballot earlier this week makes Dick Cheney look like Santa Claus, and even she gave in to Boyhood's sweetly sentimental charms. It's a safe bet that most of her fellow curmudgeons will do the same.
Of course, this year's contest has been called the closest Best Picture race in 20 years, and you can't count out the possibility of some dark horse like American Sniper swooping in and pulling a Crash-like upset. (We really can't get over that one.)
So you may want to save your money for a safer bet like Michael Keaton for Best Actor. (Although, watch out for Eddie Redmayne, who's built-up some serious momentum with BAFTA and Golden Globe wins in recent weeks.)
Or maybe you think Patricia Arquette for Best Actress is the smarter investment. There's a good chance you're right, but there's also a real possibility that industry-favorite Emma Stone will take the prize for her work in Birdman.
So yeah, it's shaping up to be one of the most unpredictable Oscar nights in decades, and there are really no safe bets. We suggest you play it safe and wager on something like host Neil Patrick Harris belting out some showtunes.