Last week's Dirty Soap was heavy on overbearing mama drama.
This week, relationships between cast members were the focus.
Where do we even begin recapping the goings on with E!'s new crop of reality stars ... who are sort of actual stars, if you watch the soap operas they star in at least.
Let's kick off this week's recap with Brandon Beemer (how do you become anything but a soap star when given a name like that) giving Nadia Bjorlin a birthday gift.
She got an iPad. She was unmoved, yearning for something personal. Kind of ungrateful, given that those things cost like $500 without 3G. But whatever, moving on.
At lunch Farah Fath wonders why Nadia and Brandon aren’t engaged, to which she responds that she is in no rush because it's not like marriage is any kind of guarantee.
Cynical, but not altogether untrue.
Then, wouldn't you know it, without ANY prompting from producers whatsoever, the conversation pivots to Days of Our Lives co-stars and the infamous Kirsten Storms.
Farah and Kirsten have not spoken since she made out with John-Paul Lavoisier a while back on some sort of crossover thing. We forget. But apparently it was bad!!
Later, Danny tells Farah he saw Kirsten the other day and that she thinks Farah is jealous. Gasp. Good guy that he is, Danny/the producers offer their help if needed.
At Nadia’s birthday party, Farah and JP see Kirsten and Kelly, who really needs to find friends more in her age bracket if she decided to come as Kirsten’s wingman.
Farah vents at Kirsten. The waterworks start to flow. Then flow some more.
Kelly, like the rest of us, has no actual clue what's even going on here.
In the end, all we know is Farah walks away and cries; Kirsten doesn't.
The married Jenna and Galen join Brandon and Nadja for a getaway trip to Napa. They're leaving their kids at home for the first time ... and clearly it's not easy.
Despite a couple of phone calls, and probably more we didn't see, Jenna does calm down and relax a bit, and by and large, Nadja is satisfied with her birthday.
Honestly, what 31-year-old cares that much about her birthday. You made it another year without dying and have a paying job. Be happy and just chill, girl.
Back in L.A., Kelly Monaco is not a big fan of weddings, despite the fact that she's about to tie the knot on General Hospital. How is THAT for irony, people?!?!
Wouldn't you know it, things begin to change as she tries on that wedding dress. She can't help but think about her future and what she's doing in this world.
Will she live for the moment, or look to the future? These are things that a soap opera star must deal with as she acts out a fake wedding. It's, like, so deep.
Farah and Kirsten decide to meet again and argue about Lord knows what. We've lost track at this point, but Farah doesn’t like that Kirsten pushes her away!
Kirsten, for her part, is ticked about how Farah talks about how her and her life behind her back and has NO idea what she's even talking about, girlfriend.
So there.
Farah goes home and whines to JP and Dan about how she just wants to get along but Kirsten can't function without the drama and is one messed-up bitch.
Kirsten and Kelly, meanwhile, blow off steam in Vegas. Girl time cures all. What did you think of this week's Dirty Soap episode? Comment on it below!